Winning at Life: An List with Explanation

1. Debilitating self-doubt.

Life hates a cocky mofo. It’s preferable, to get ahead, to rack one-self with a level of self-doubt and lack of confidence that borders on clinical. In this manner, one stays grounded, never letting the ego (or Id) get out of hand. If you’re going to alienate friends and loved ones, do it not because you know you’re too good for them, but because you’re not good enough.

2. Leave nothing to the imagination.

Make sure upon meeting new people to open yourself up wider than “My Pet Goat” on 9/11. Rather than making people work to get to know you, put it all out on the table up front. That way, when the initial excitement of first meeting a new friend or potential romantic interest has passed and things didn’t turn out quite like you were hoping for or expecting, you can keep busy repairing that weak spot in your ego that never quite seems to heal. Idle hands are the devils tools after all.

3. Setting the bar to your level.

Daily goals are best set low enough so that no matter what you do each day, you’ve met and possibly exceeded them. It’s too much pressure to try extending beyond your current capacity. While attempting to do so can help feed into debilitating self-doubt in the short term, being able to look back over a lifetime of sub-par performances and avoidance of any real risk or accomplishments has an even stronger, longer lasting effect in that arena.

4. Poor life choices are just a short-cut to the prize.

Excessive drinking, setting yourself up for a knock-down everyone could see from a mile away, giving up immediately – all of these behaviors and more can help rocket you through the slow process of personal growth and self-examination, focusing on the more exciting parts of life that lead others to the need for self-examination. If the concept of Entropy is true, then disorder is the more likely end product anyway, so why not speed that process along.

Claire: "But i only watch this episode with my mom (referring to the Star Trek TNG episode 'Starship Mine')

Andrew: "Wait have I met your mom?"

Claire: "Yes"

Andrew: "I don't remember"

Claire: "You were drunk and the only thing you said to them was 'Borgasm'"

10 Things I Learned While Married

1. If your spouse wants sex, the phrase "I don't want to, but I will" usually doesn't go over well.
2. It's never ok to go poop while the other person is stuck in the shower.
3. Cleaning out the litter box so the bedroom doesn't smell like cat pee does not constitute fore-play.
4. It's a good thing you didn't buy that time share in Florida.
5. You can't feign illness to get out of going to your inlaws during the holidays when they live in the same city as your family.
6. It's never ok to laugh if your spouse slips and falls in front of a group of people...unless it's REALLY funny. You will still get in trouble but it will have been worth it.
7. Sexy time should not be interrupted to give the cat a treat for taking a shit in the litterbox rather than on the floor. Go away cat! SHOO! Fine...here. Stop looking at me now...it's creepy.
8. If your spouse got paid to smoke pot all day, you would be a millionaire.
9. The answer to the question your spouse just asked is never "Do you live under a rock?"
10. I am the master of wet-willys.

The Bane of My Existence

So everyone has a mortal enemy, whether they know it or not. It could be a person OR an object. My mortal enemy, the bane of my existence, that which I loathe to a degree that’s probably abnormal, is the gas powered leaf blower.

Have you ever seen a leaf? Small, light-weight, portable - especially in fall, when they’ve lost all their moisture and fallen off the trees. Even a whole pile of leaves is a pretty light load. If you had a trash-bag full of leaves and dropped it on someone it would not hurt. So, why does anyone need a contraption which has a motor that directly consumes a fossil fuel to move leaves around! It might be a little quicker and easier than raking, especially if you have a big yard, but this is America. We need all the added physical activity we can get.

Granted, if an evil witch broke into your house and needed to get somewhere to hatch her evil plans, she wouldn’t be able to ride the leaf blower, whereas the rake would probably make do. Odds are she took your broom already (because really, who doesn’t have a broom), so that’s a moot point.

Back to the gas powered leaf blowers. I’m sure there are things which exist that are even more ridiculous in their inherent nature. A gas-powered vibrator would be more ridiculous, as well as a store that exclusively sold lingerie for cats. Those things don’t make sense either, but they also don’t involve you blowing around leaves with a machine into which you put gasoline to fire up an engine! You’re not driving anywhere, you’re not going to impress the ladies (or dudes) with your sweet new leaf blower. No, you’re standing in your yard with that goofy little back pack, blowing leaves into a pile. People, that is simply absurd.

sassy black woman at rosslyn

so i was coming back from happy hour in old town.  blue line from king street to rosslyn.  transfer at rosslyn.  i get off blue.  as expected i can hear a train coming.  i know in my heart it is orange.  so myself and everyone else bolt for the escalator to get to the lower platform.  we make it to the escalator.  some dude has his roll luggage.  he blocks the ENTIRE ESCALATOR.  i want him to die with the fire of a thousand suns.  

the train is coming.  i still know it's orange.  the woman in front of me shoves past him on the side.  a sassy black woman behind us yells "GET OUT OF THE WAY THE TRAIN IS COMING!"  I shove past the gentleman in question.  it's orange!! hooray!!  anyway i run and make it.  so does the escalator and the sassy black woman.

in conclusion

1) fuck you dude with baggage.  next time i will mercilessly passive aggressively run through your giant bags.  it would have been 13 more minutes for orange and i would have directed my bitter rage at you the entire time.  

2) i would tell you to take the elevator except.... it's been broken since december...

3) ALL TRAINS MUST HAVE SASSY BLACK WOMEN ON THEM.  mandatory.