Truth about Cats and Dogs (and their poo)

I spent this past weekend with 3 dogs and 2 cats in my apartment. It made me realize that animals can truly teach us some important life lessons.

1. Simple pleasures are often the best. All those treats and toys you bought the dog aren’t nearly as much fun as watching you carry around a bag of his/her dookie.

2. Love the one you’re with. The cat may tolerate you at best, only showing a semblance of affection when it’s time to eat, but you’re stuck with one another, so leave it at that. Not being actively unhappy is the same as being happy, right?

3. You’re never truly alone. Think of smiles as dog poop, and spread some around for everyone to enjoy. When other people step in your smile piles, a connection is made, even if you never see the look of joy you caused on the other persons face.

4. Rejection happens to everyone. Your desperate attempts to make the cat love you will be fruitless and painful. So give up. Take whatever crumbs of affection you can as they come along. Take comfort knowing you are just as undesirable as everyone else, and your failed attempts at expressing fondness give you much in common with countless others.

5. When life hands you lemons, just don’t squirt yourself in the eye. Whether picking it up off the ground, the litter box, or the just cleaned floor, the bottom line is you’re still picking up poop. Be happy when the short straw is of minor rather than major life consequence.

6. You’re fine just the way you are. How you treat the dog or cat will have little bearing on how much they actually like or dislike you. So if you want to be nice, be nice, but if you feel like a dick, be a dick. Doesn’t really matter either way, as long as you clean up their messes. Stinky, spiteful messes.
   

Words of wisdom from my mom

Getting old is no good. You look awful, you probably feel awful, and no body likes you.

Brother #2: Mom, I wish you would stop smoking.

Mom: Why? I don’t want to live past 80 anyways, so this (pointing to cigarette) should do the trick!

Mom: I got a look at myself in the mirror at the bookstore. You all are right, I am ugly!

Me: We never said you were ugly, we just said you were old.

Mom: Well you should add ugly – egads!

Ice Pirates Drinking Game

Drink for....

swordfighting
disembodied hands
prison scenes
castration
levetation
fast forwarding - drink entire time
robot with bow tie
space herpes
midget bartender in the pirates den
n-word
solar power
"trespassers will be violated"
mini donkeys
robot mixer
unicorns
disembodied head
hollogram
"passion storm"
crashing waves
robot diarrhea
skeleton nanny
black robot dancing
ron perlman dies of old age
young jason
earth
dissolution of pirate community

Winning at Life: An List with Explanation

1. Debilitating self-doubt.

Life hates a cocky mofo. It’s preferable, to get ahead, to rack one-self with a level of self-doubt and lack of confidence that borders on clinical. In this manner, one stays grounded, never letting the ego (or Id) get out of hand. If you’re going to alienate friends and loved ones, do it not because you know you’re too good for them, but because you’re not good enough.

2. Leave nothing to the imagination.

Make sure upon meeting new people to open yourself up wider than “My Pet Goat” on 9/11. Rather than making people work to get to know you, put it all out on the table up front. That way, when the initial excitement of first meeting a new friend or potential romantic interest has passed and things didn’t turn out quite like you were hoping for or expecting, you can keep busy repairing that weak spot in your ego that never quite seems to heal. Idle hands are the devils tools after all.

3. Setting the bar to your level.

Daily goals are best set low enough so that no matter what you do each day, you’ve met and possibly exceeded them. It’s too much pressure to try extending beyond your current capacity. While attempting to do so can help feed into debilitating self-doubt in the short term, being able to look back over a lifetime of sub-par performances and avoidance of any real risk or accomplishments has an even stronger, longer lasting effect in that arena.

4. Poor life choices are just a short-cut to the prize.

Excessive drinking, setting yourself up for a knock-down everyone could see from a mile away, giving up immediately – all of these behaviors and more can help rocket you through the slow process of personal growth and self-examination, focusing on the more exciting parts of life that lead others to the need for self-examination. If the concept of Entropy is true, then disorder is the more likely end product anyway, so why not speed that process along.

Claire: "But i only watch this episode with my mom (referring to the Star Trek TNG episode 'Starship Mine')

Andrew: "Wait have I met your mom?"

Claire: "Yes"

Andrew: "I don't remember"

Claire: "You were drunk and the only thing you said to them was 'Borgasm'"

10 Things I Learned While Married

1. If your spouse wants sex, the phrase "I don't want to, but I will" usually doesn't go over well.
2. It's never ok to go poop while the other person is stuck in the shower.
3. Cleaning out the litter box so the bedroom doesn't smell like cat pee does not constitute fore-play.
4. It's a good thing you didn't buy that time share in Florida.
5. You can't feign illness to get out of going to your inlaws during the holidays when they live in the same city as your family.
6. It's never ok to laugh if your spouse slips and falls in front of a group of people...unless it's REALLY funny. You will still get in trouble but it will have been worth it.
7. Sexy time should not be interrupted to give the cat a treat for taking a shit in the litterbox rather than on the floor. Go away cat! SHOO! Fine...here. Stop looking at me now...it's creepy.
8. If your spouse got paid to smoke pot all day, you would be a millionaire.
9. The answer to the question your spouse just asked is never "Do you live under a rock?"
10. I am the master of wet-willys.

The Bane of My Existence

So everyone has a mortal enemy, whether they know it or not. It could be a person OR an object. My mortal enemy, the bane of my existence, that which I loathe to a degree that’s probably abnormal, is the gas powered leaf blower.

Have you ever seen a leaf? Small, light-weight, portable - especially in fall, when they’ve lost all their moisture and fallen off the trees. Even a whole pile of leaves is a pretty light load. If you had a trash-bag full of leaves and dropped it on someone it would not hurt. So, why does anyone need a contraption which has a motor that directly consumes a fossil fuel to move leaves around! It might be a little quicker and easier than raking, especially if you have a big yard, but this is America. We need all the added physical activity we can get.

Granted, if an evil witch broke into your house and needed to get somewhere to hatch her evil plans, she wouldn’t be able to ride the leaf blower, whereas the rake would probably make do. Odds are she took your broom already (because really, who doesn’t have a broom), so that’s a moot point.

Back to the gas powered leaf blowers. I’m sure there are things which exist that are even more ridiculous in their inherent nature. A gas-powered vibrator would be more ridiculous, as well as a store that exclusively sold lingerie for cats. Those things don’t make sense either, but they also don’t involve you blowing around leaves with a machine into which you put gasoline to fire up an engine! You’re not driving anywhere, you’re not going to impress the ladies (or dudes) with your sweet new leaf blower. No, you’re standing in your yard with that goofy little back pack, blowing leaves into a pile. People, that is simply absurd.